Breaking through the concrete

This time last year I was going through absolute hell in my relationship. My boyfriend at the time was showing his oh-so-possesive, controlling jealous asshole side on a consistent basis. So much so that I was afraid of what the consequences would be if I left. So, after surviving the relationship from hell last year, I am still very much afraid of falling for anyone. I mean, how does one trust again after seeing a fun, passionate relationship turn into a treacherous disaster full of distrust and despair. I don't know that I was ever in love with him; I think I just fell in love with the idea of him. He was so different in reality than what I made him out to be. It was easy to make him about to be the man of my dreams since it was long distance for the first year of our relationship. But when he moved in, the red flags started waving furiously. I ignored them, wanting so badly to believe he was who I wanted him to be. But I could only ignore them for so long. Because they went from red flags to grenades being thrown at me. In six months of living together, I found out who he truly was - a controlling, possessive, jealous person with no respect for who I truly was. I put up with it all for six months still after that! I wish I hadn't but felt I didn't have a choice since I got laid off right when I was breaking things off with him.

So that is why I have no desire to get into a serious relationship right now. I am enjoying dating when I can find time for it. I am enjoying the casual first meetings, fun nights out, first kisses, etc. But I guess I wonder if it is really possible to find true love. Every girl wants it. But I wonder if I will be searching for it the rest of my life. Would I miss it if it were right in front of me because I carry so much baggage with me wherever I go? Will anyone be able to break down the walls that I have so carefully constructed around me? Will I know my real prince when he stares into my eyes?

Slightly Smitten

So, we have had over 7 dates (lost count) at this point - me and Mr. Nice Guy. Every date has been fun. Every date he has acted like a gentleman. Every date I have felt good about. I must finally admit to myself that I like him. He is sweet, kind, easy going. I felt in the beginning that maybe I shouldn't continue dating him because he was really taking an obvious liking to me (he gave me flowers; his girl friend said he was really into me, etc.). But I am glad I hung in there. Why did I hang in there? Because I was enjoying every date with him and enjoying his company, mainly as a friend. I thought perhaps he isn't boyfriend material (for one, I am not sure he can afford me - I can be quite a high maintenance girlfriend at times). But he has paid for every date, proving that maybe he understands what I am used to. I am used to being wined and dined after my last boyfriend (and it kind of spoiled me). He could afford to buy me things and take me places, including Europe twice last year, as well as New York and Orlando. And yet I am enjoying the laid back, mellow feeling I get when I am around Mr. Nice Guy. I am completely myself. I don't have to dress up (which I always felt I had to do for said ex-boyfriend), I don't have to be anyone other than myself. I am comfortable with him, just being me. So now, I admit, I like him. Where will it take me? I have no idea. I hope my cumbersome baggage doesn't play a role in this relationship. I hope I can be honest, real and good to him. And I hope he can be with me. He did admit to me that he hasn't "touched anyone else since he was with me". I can't say the same, but he didn't ask. Have I slept with anyone lately? No, but I still have had a couple of nights out where I wasn't quite so pure. Do I want a commitment with him? Absolutely not. I am not ready for that by any means. Do I expect him to be loyal to me only at this point? I wouldn't ask him to be, out of fairness, but I hope he doesn't sleep with anyone else. I guess that is where communication comes into play. Different people have different opinions on what is appropriate when dating. So I suppose in my mind I am committing to not sleeping with anyone else until I see where things are headed with Mr. Nice Guy. And, truth be told, I haven't been interested in dating someone else either.

What's a Drama Queen to do?

I am going through a phase where I am just bored with everything. I am the kind of person who is constantly in flux. I went to five different schools. I have had countless jobs in various industries. I have dated many men. I have even lived in many different homes (but I have stayed in Georgia for the most part). I am flighty, indecisive and don't know what I want. So when my life is steady and without excitement, I tend to crave the drama. Its not like I really want my life to be dramatic, but it tends to be so. And when everything slows down and I don't have drama in my life, well, I feel sort of aimless. And presently things have slowed down. I haven't been in the mood to date. I can't afford to go anywhere or do much of anything. I don't have much to look forward to. Why can't I be satisfied with the status quo? Why must I always have something going on in order to feel fulfilled?